April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM)
“It wasn’t my fantasy!”
April is sexual assault awareness month. As a society, we say those words, and most people shy away from the topic. It is likely more accepted due to the recent “Me Too” Movement, but even then, there are spectators and judges of that movement. Yet, only 2 to 10 percent of outcries are false according to National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) (Statitics, n.d.).
In fact, every 68 seconds a person is being sexually assaulted in America (Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. (n.d.). According to NSVRC, 1 out of 5 women in the United States experience attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (n.d). The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports “over half of women have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during her lifetime” (2022, June 22). Alarmingly, the first time a female will experience an attempted or completed rape is between the ages of 11 and 17 (Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. (n.d.). Almost 25% of men in the United States experience an act of sexual violence in their lifetime (Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. (n.d.). The CDC reports this statistic as 1 in 3 men (2022, June 22).
I debated since January how I would write about this month. For me, it is too close to home, literally. But then I was reminded in my quiet time, that the word of my mouth and the blood of the lamb is what heals (Revelation 12:11). If our story can help one woman or man, then this long blog, and me being open and real was so very worth it. You see, I was sexually assaulted at the age of 16 by the youth minister of my mom’s church. Later at the age of 34, I experienced a violent rape. It is estimated that reportings of sexual violence are down 25% (Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. n.d). I am one of those statistics. I sat with the act and physical trauma that occurred for the safety of my children and to avoid embarrassment. In my head, it should not have happened to me; I was smarter than that, and old enough to know better. Even still, it was not my fault.
The most horrifying news I received was on the night of March 23, 2017. My daughter would come to me, telling me she had been carrying a burden for over a year. My best childhood friend’s husband had sexually assaulted her. Not once, but three times. This was a family that had known me since I was born! How could this have happened? I was that mom that did not let her stay the night with friends; the friends came to our house. I knew the “Safe Sanctuary” handbook the Methodist Church required for volunteers like the back of my hand. I was a survivor that was never going to let my child fall prey to some violent, self-seeking individual, and yet, here we were. We did report my girlie’s experiences, and the nightmare of a court trial became our reality. Even worse than the acts was that experience in the court proceedings. The defense attorney would argue it was “her fantasy” and a made up “outcry” because I was a “single-mom.” This family that I had known to be closer than my family. This family that would have Allissa be a flower girl in the wedding of the man that would steal her innocence would lie on the stand, and we would be forced to watch him walk free. Oh the layers of pain, hurt, and trauma, BUT GOD:
I thought I should include the journal entry I made on April 10, 2019, and shared with Facebook then;
I was asked this week by a few individuals why I have been so open and “public” about what girlie and I are walking through right now. And so many of you have sent texts, made calls, and sent messages via Facebook this last week with encouragement and kind words. For those of you that have reached out over the last 24 hours, I am sorry I haven’t responded. Yesterday was horrible. I cannot go into much detail, as there is still another case pending in another city, but for the questions I can answer, my response is this:
I had sworn to myself growing up that I was going to be the mother that protects her children from harm, and never would I be a mother that had a child sexually assaulted. March 23, 2017, my life forever changed as a mother. Girlie informed me that she had been sexually assaulted, not only once but three different days by someone we knew and trusted. I had entrusted girlie to a family that had known me since before I was born. They made choices for girlie that I never would have made had I been informed. I am still working through the guilt of not seeing this monster lurking in the bushes of our lives waiting to take advantage of my daughter.
As a victim of sexual assault, I know that a forensic interview and forensic sexual assault exam are dehumanizing and horrid experiences to endure, but worse than those events is going through the process of a trial, and even worse than that is being the mother watching all of these things happen to your daughter you wanted to desperately to protect since you were a teenager imagining how much better you would nurture and care for your children than what you experienced as a teenager. Girlie was on the stand for three hours this last week reliving the horrid details of what happened to her.
I wrestled for two years with the shame of not seeing my daughter’s abuser for what he was. I have cried so many nights over what I feel like I did in failing girlie to not see this monster. But I know that if I did not take a stand, and we did not share our story, then more darkness will exist in an arena that already bears such darkness and shame.
John 1:5 reminds me that “the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” Both girlie and I have fought so hard to see justice served for her in this case, and we will fight again in the next case. The issue is that there are so many pieces of the puzzle that go into a case, and so much is out of our control.
Yet, when we own our story, it will no longer have control in our lives. We are not the actions of what others have done to us. We are who we become in spite of the pain, shame, and trauma inflicted upon us against our will. I know God promises that He works everything for our good and even repeated assaults at the age of 14, All the events leading up to a trial and the trials, can and will be woven to good in our lives; he promises us that in Romans 8:28. My God will complete His plans for our lives and no devil in hell will stop God’s plans He has for all of us as individuals and as a family (Philippians 1:6).
Regardless of what goes on around us or what harm is brought to our lives, my responsibility is to what goes on within me, and my obligation is to the treasures God has given me, my children. At the end of this trial, we cannot control the jury, the district attorneys, the defense attorneys, the witnesses, the lies told by witnesses, and finally the verdict. But we can control the verdict in our hearts.
Friends I now call friends and “sister” have stepped in and helped in so many ways. Neighbors have become close friends and confidants. Tulips are one of my favorite flowers, and each day we came home from the trial, a vase of tulips were left on the porch. The school nurse at girlie’s school initiated a T-shirt campaign making T-Shirts to wear on the first trial day that girlie had to testify; the shirts read “Love Heals” in teal and purple. Teal is the color for sexual assault awareness and purple is girlie’s favorite color. The outpouring of love shown by strangers has been overwhelming; Bikers Against Child Abuse (BACA) were with us every day we were at the court house, and over 50 of them showed up to adopt her prior to the first trial. Each of these examples are just a fragment of the love that Christ has for us as His children.
God is still God and will be the ruler in our lives. People, circumstances, events outside our control, and the uncertainty of the future will not separate us from the love we know Christ has for us (Ephesians 6:12; Romans 8:31-39). So, on that, we place our trust and hope. And because we know our worth in Him, we can share our story without shame (Galatians 2:20).
We will live our lives to let others know of Christ’s love and His redemptive power that this world so desperately needs (Psalm 19:14, John 10:10, Romans 8:28). I know this is just the beginning of the journey as I write this tonight, and I know that I stand on the promises of Christ knowing He will lead us by the ways we do not know, He will guide us on the unfamiliar paths we tread. He will turn our darkness into light so that we make our way through this rough journey smoothly because I know that I know our God will not forsake us; He gave us this promise through His word (Isaiah 42:16; Psalm 139:10-14).
In April of 2020 when the world shut down, girlie missed selling t-shirts for Sexual Assault Awareness Month due to the COVID pandemic and schools being closed. This April 2024, we are selling those shirts she was not able to sell. We are selling them now, and the benefits of these sales go to supporting Mission Haven Rediemed Foundation, Inc. that will be providing Women’s exams in a tent in Honduras later this summer. God works all things to His glory. If not for experiencing certain circumstances in our life, we could not give empathy to others. Sometimes, events spur us on to find our kingdom purpose we were placed on this earth to fulfill.
Below are pictures of the shirt, and you can contact us regarding sizes. First come first served. A donation of any amount can be made for a shirt; again, all proceeds benefit the Women’s Tent.
Now fast forward to March 25, 2023, I experienced a Miracle of Healing. March 23, 2024 our family was at Kendra Scott raising awareness of the mission: Mission Haven Rediemed Foundation, INC. April of 2024, I am here in full-time mission work headed out next week on another mission trip to another country in Central America.
Please do not misunderstand me. In between these words and time frames many wounds have been cut, days hard, with dark and lonely nights. There have been many hard life events, remember I would struggle with illness for over two and a half years until I was healed. BUT GOD. He does not promise us an easy road free from difficulties. He just promises to walk with us every step of the way (Psalm 23; Psalm 139:10-14). In His time, he does make all things beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
You see, my friend, God can turn anything around. I pray our lives serve to show God’s love and grace even in hard, painful valleys of this thing called life. If not for painful times, we would not know the greatness of our LORD. That is when he shows up and shows out the most (Ephesians 3:20-21; Isaiah 55:8-9). Wounds do heal, and sometimes scars remain; however, those are left to use as roadmaps to help others navigate a painful journey of their own. It is our prayer that we can use ours to share the love and grace of Christ with those we encounter both at home and abroad.
Prayer:
Gracious and loving Father, I pray for each person reading the blog. They might have experienced sexual assault or they might be a fortunate individual that has no idea what this topic is really all about. Regardless, Lord, we know that no one is free from the pain of a sinful world. Please guide and walk with each person. If someone does not know you as Lord and Savior, please draw them close to you. For the believers, continue to help them journey on for your kingdom. It is in all circumstances we give you praise, and we thank you for being the healing Father that you are. In your holy, and healing name we pray. Amen.
Resources for Help: Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE
References
Fast facts: Preventing sexual violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, June 22). Retrieved April 3, 2024, from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/fastfact.html
Statistics. (n.d.). National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Retrieved April 3, 2024, from https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. (n.d.). RAINN. Retrieved April 3, 2024, from https://rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/
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